GAO Report Overlooks Plucky Misfit Factor
Like many Americans I was incensed when I read about the GAO report yesterday on security at federal buildings. The GAO was very negative in it’s condemnation of the guards who are supposed to safeguard our federal buildings:
- One guard was practicing his quick draw technique in a mirror and shot out the mirror on accident.
- One guard was working on his for profit adult website on the government computers when he was supposed to be standing guard.
- One guard let a baby in a baby carrier go through an x-ray machine.
- At one high-security facility, an armed guard was found asleep at his post after taking the painkiller Percocet
While the report didn’t mention the following, I have no idea there was:
- One very large and gruff sounding guard with a heart of gold.
- A guard with unknown musical talent
- A guard who was doing this job since JFK was President and always falls asleep immediately
- A wisecracking con-artist guard who is a hit with all the ladies
- A female guard who is tougher than any of her male colleagues despite being either petite or extremely attractive.
- A nerdy guard who is a genius with computers
Joe Lieberman in his typical crusty stick in the mud way called the report, “the broadest indictment of an agency of the federal government that I’ve heard.” Well, it was at least since the 2007 report that found equally atrocious impotetence and neglect, but aren’t we forgetting something here?
I’ve seen a lot of movies over the years from Stripes, to Police Academy, to Reno 911 and I know for a fact that if there is one thing you can count on, it’s that those plucky misfits will always pull through when the chips are down. I also suggest that if the training these guards received was as bad as the report says, that we let them complete their training on their own. Trust me on this one. Anybody who attempts to attack a federal building in Washington will have to deal with the baddest bunch of plucky misfits they’ve ever seen. Undoubtedly, either by dumb luck, team work, or using their talents that they usually use for slacking off these guards will come through in the end. I advise Joe Lieberman very strongly against pursuing this because in the end, it is always the crusty old by the book guy who winds up with egg on his face.
Finally, Proof Abstinence Only Education is Working
As regular followers of my blog know, teen issues are very important to me. It isn’t just that I have a daughter who is about to enter her own teenage years, but also because as the owner of my own self-storage business I’m something of a role model for teens. That’s why I’ve made my opinion on sex education very clear. I was in high school in the mid-80s and college in the late 80s. This was a time when girls simply didn’t have sex until marriage. Sure some guys would tell big stories, but I can tell you from personal experience that pretty much my entire high school and college classes were made up of virgins.
Of course nowadays teenagers are lucky and they have abstinence only education to help them make the right choice. During the Bush administration, the amount of money the federal government spent on abstinence only education went from $73,000,000 to $204,000,000 per year despite 17 states opting out of the program. That seems like an awful lot of money to me. I think if you gave me 40 minutes in a room full of high school girls I could have them swear off sex until they’re 30, but I guess in the schools people expect to be overpaid.
The proof that I mentioned in the headline involves the virginity pledge that is the ultimate goal of many abstinence only programs. This is a pledge to remain a virgin until death or marriage. My daughter has taken this pledge whether she realizes it or not. Anyway, she’s pretty overweight at 5′7″ and 125 pounds so I don’t think it’ll be an issue. While a recent study by Harvard researcher Janet Rosenbaum found that students who took the virginity pledge were just as likely to have sex as those who didn’t and far less likely to use protection, the study found that they had 0.1 percent less sexual partners. It is clear that at least as far as monogamy goes, the lessons are getting through. Next, we need to move on and attack that whole having sex thing.
It’s true that at times in my youth I wish that I had grown up in a more sexually liberated time, but the 80s and 90s were a much safer time to grow up and I don’t know that I’d ever trade that for the diseases and risk of pregnancy they have today. It’s definitely enough to make me glad that my daughter isn’t pretty.
Sarah, Goodbye Doesn’t Mean Forever
Usually, when I go a day without blogging, it means either I was very busy or I was working on something blog related. I was inspired yesterday to work on a Sarah Palin video. I went so far as to figure out how to get audio from Youtube (as well as video…just not together). My new computer does a great job of taking out vocals and I was going to use it to remove Billy Joel from Say Goodbye to Hollywood. Unfortunately, Billy Joel isn’t that easy to get rid of. When I burned the CD, there were his vocals. I tried a karaoke backing track, but it kept in too many backgrounds competing with my lyrics.
You guys definitely missed out. I will say, my singing voice is amazing. I have a 9 octave range and I consider myself one of the last of the great singer songwriters. Here are the song lyrics that I would have sung:
Sarah’s headin’ to Wasilla tonight
Left behind her spa class tanning bed.
Playing point guard on this team, call a screen
Higher calling’s what she said.
Say goodbye to Anchorage
Say goodbye, my baby
Say goodbye to Anchorage
Say goodbye you betcha.
Quitting’s not something easy to do
But the press has been so mean everywhere
She’s like MJ quitting the Bulls
When he decided baseball was his career
Say goodbye to Anchorage
Say goodbye, my baby
Say goodbye to Anchorage
Say goodbye, you betcha
Chorus:
Movin’ on is a chance you take
When you decide to run – for governor
You get one chance to run
Then you find that the chance you had
Is gone forever
Forever
So many people quit every day
Shelley Long
Comes to mind for leaving Cheers
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes
You know Brett Favre retires every year.
Say goodbye to Anchorage
Say goodbye, my baby
Say goodbye to Anchorage
Say goodbye, you betcha
There’s a video of Billy Joel doing the original here, if you’re not familiar with the song. Needless to say, it was your loss.
I decided instead to make a montage, but between getting new blank CDs, finding pictures, editing, playing with a few new toys, and then dealing with Youtube’s obnoxious copyright policy where music is concerned, you’re looking at about 15 hours work. Phew.
How to Make an American Salad
The 4th of July is very important to me. On July 4, 1776 General George Washington crossed the Delaware River to surprise the British at a party in Trenton, New Jersey and won our independence from Britain. We also changed the world forever by becoming the first Democracy where people could vote for their leaders. This call of freedom sounded all over the world and many other countries like Iraq, Sweden, and even England have since abandoned their monarchies for Democracies.
What’s sad is that in recent years secularists have tried to take the Christ out of July 4th celebrations. They want to pretend that American is not a Christian country and that our systems of laws and government weren’t patterned after the Bible or that the American Eagle wasn’t chosen as our country’s symbol because by hatching from an egg it was a symbol of the new life we are called to with Jesus. They would like us to forget that the red on the American flag stands for the blood Jesus shed for all mankind. They would like to forget that the words “E Pluribus Unum” (In God We Trust) is on all our money. Do not let them take Jesus out of the 4th of July. When you see a fireworks display be impressed, but remember those fireworks represent us looking to God for guidance and providence.
As fun little exercise I have witten a recipe for an American salad. I think if you read it, you may just find that this recipe has a deeper meaning:
How to Make an American Salad
1. Take 1 pound of British colonists, a half-pound of French colonists, and a half-pound of Indians. Place in a melting pot until the flavors are thoroughly mixed together. At this point remove the Indians. Simmering too long will cause them to get bitter.
2. In a separate melting pot whisk together 4 ounces of family values, A half-cup of Christianity, A cup of freedom, A quarter-cup of liberty, and 17 Constitutional amendments chopped finely.
3. Drizzle liquids over mixture in melting pot.
4. Add immigrants from other countries, but make sure none get in the pot without you putting them there.
5. Top with manifest destiny, individualism, perseverance, and conservatism to taste.
This delicious recipe was first made on July 4, 1776 and should serve 300 million.
Happy 4th of July!!
Palin Victorious in Resignation
Her speech was powerful as always even though myself and many others might not have understood her motivation at the time. It may be easiest to put it into a sports metaphor and since Sarah is the ultimate hockey mom I think I’ll go with that. When a hockey player has the puck and she’s skating towards the other goal, sometimes the other team will try and check her and when that happens she’ll want to pass the puck. If no player is open she may do what is called dumping and chasing. Where she passes the puck down the ice and attempts to retrieve it or have a teammate retrieve it before the other team gets to the puck. However, when a player shoots thepuck across at least two red lines, the opposing team’s goal line being the last, and a player on the other team other than the goalie touches the puck first it is called icing and the linesman will stop play and there will then be a faceoff in the defending zone of the team that iced the puck. Of course this is all waved off if in the opinion of the referee the opposing team made no attempt to play the puck or the icing team was shorthanded. Isn’t that just what Sarah Palin is doing?
Now for people who are perplexed as to what Sarah Palin is doing and calling her a quitter I say that Palin’s don’t quit things. When Bristol became an unwed teen mother, the Palins weren’t about to abandon their fierce support of teaching abstinence only sex education. When Todd accidentally signed up for the Alaska Independence Party instead of listing himself as independent, he didn’t quit. Instead, he voted AIP for 7 years and Sarah Palin spoke at their convention. When Sarah Palin was in college and decided Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho College, University of Idaho, and Mantanuka-Susitna College weren’t right for her she could have dropped out. Instead she returned to the University of Idaho for her degree. The Palins are nothing if not persistant.
There are several possibilities why Sarah could have dropped out of the race:
1. With Joe the Plumber announcing just this week that God told him not to run for political office, she saw the road to the White House as wide open now.
2. Billy Crystal of the Weekly Standard and City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold suggests that dropping out is Sarah Palin’s way of becoming a national Republican leader. Afterall, of the current Republican leaders only Rush Limbaugh is fettered by a job.
3. This could be a preemptive resignation that would allow her to have an affair. Most of Governor Sanford’s problems seem to arise from having an affair in office and this would give Governor Palin more freedom to play the field. Todd seems like a great guy, but could anybody really tame her?
4. She’s been getting a lot of criticism while being governor of the largest state in the country and this move allows her to get away from the press and work on running for President in 2012 without the media spotlight of Anchorage.
5. This could be the first move in a gambit to pull Alaska out of the union.
Whatever her reason, Sarah Palin has made the right choice. Her future looks very very bright.
Teabagging and Wieners
[I am once again giving this blog space over to Congressman Jack Kimble (R-CA) so that he can tell you about his exciting 4th of July plans--Nate]
Hello cyberspace! In April, we made history. Hundreds of Americans from all walks of life came together to teabag in the parks of this country and let our voices be heard. I was inspired to see the teabag movement grow larger and larger. We sure got a rise out of a lot of people all the way to Washington. Still, many people claimed that we didn’t have the staying power to keep it up. They thought that we would be one and done. That’s why I’m pleased to announce that there is going to be a second wave of teabagging on July 4th. Teabagging is about the spirit that got our founding father’s through Valley Forge and many difficult nights on the front lines. Let’s show the Obama administration that we will not bend regardless of the polls.
One thing I noticed about our last teabagging event is that many of the crowd seemed to be older and male. There’s nothing wrong with that, but this time we’d like to get more women and children participating. That’s why after the teabagging we will be having wieners for everybody. There is nothing that says 4th of July like having a bbq and I’m promising all the wieners you can handle for the whole family. I learned several years ago from David Vitter that the secret to a good BBQ is a good rub and while some chefs just throw their wieners on the grill I make sure to give mine a very special rub first to seal in the flavor and make it oh so juicy. There is nothing like one of my wieners on a fresh bun.
So if you’re in the district come on out to Monserat Park for teabagging at noon with wieners to follow from 4PM until nightfall. Hopefully, we’ll have a good view of the fireworks at the country club from the park. This will be a great opportunity for more teabagging and who doesn’t love wieners? This is our chance to protest and teabag so they feel it all the way to Washington. Whatever you do on the 4th, I wish you and your family the best. This country has come a long way since it won it’s independence from England on July 4, 1776 and it is time we return to the values of our four fathers.
Can Black Women Be Trusted to Report on Michelle Obama?
Howard Kurtz had a remarkable column in today’s Washington Post about the role of race for female reporters covering Michelle Obama. It seems that in recent decades, as magazine and newspaper editors have put a big emphasis on diversity in their reporters they may have made a mistake. Looking at the press pool covering the First Lady, Kurtz noted that five were African-American women. As Kurtz points out, “whether racial and gender identification produces a gauzier, more favorable portrayal of Obama is perhaps too early to judge.”
I can’t help worry that reporters who naturally pull for the success of a politician simply because of their age and gender will result in biased reporting. This is a natural side effect of the election of an African-American candidate, which challenges the impartiality of black reporters. We have not had to deal with this issue before only because all previous Presidents have been white and white journalists have proven their talent for not letting their personal viewpoint cloud their reporting. White male reporters have blazed a trail that all minorities can aspire to.
Actually, Kurt’s own newspaper The Washington Post may have found a remarkable new business model that will help make itself and other newspapers profitable for years to come. As reported in Politico, the Post’s publisher Katharine Weymouth had planned an exclusive “salon” at her home where for as much as $250,000 lobbyists and association executives could have off-the-record access to Obama administration officials, members of Congress, and the paper’s own reporters and editors. For the mere cost of a few dinners where reporters learn about the health benefits of relaxing with a cigarette after a hard day of work or the lack of clinical data showing any danger from asbestos, the paper could collect millions. I think the future of newspapers in this country is suddenly looking much brighter.
Michael Jackson and I Take on Current Events
In the 1980s, I felt a special kinship to Michael Jackson. You see, I had lost one of my gloves and my parents disapproving of my irresponsible behavior didn’t want to reward me by buying me a new pair so in the winter of 1984, I spent a lot of time wearing only one glove. Kids would laugh at me, but then Thriller came out and suddenly I was the cool one. I missed a lot of big stories while I was gone. Not the least was Michael’s death. Here’s my commentary with help from the King of Pop.
Keep on with the force don’t stop. Don’t stop til you get enough.
Norm Coleman finally lost his battle to Al Franken for the Minnesota senate seat. I should really say he got it stolen away. Coleman would still be Senator except that 300 more people voted for Franken. I see people protesting the coup in Honduras and the repression in Iran, but where is Norm’s support. We really need a place to go where this can be argued after the Supreme Court. Now, Obama will reach out to Republicans even less than he has. What a dictator. Just because we won’t vote for him doesn’t mean we don’t want to be asked.
Got to be there in the morning when she says hello to the world. Got to be there, got to be there. Bring her good times and show her she’s my girl.
I am thrilled to find out that Mark Sanford is still alive. I can’t believe the crap people are giving him. What a politician does in Thailand or Argentina is none of their business. It reminds me of when I was in college. I was dating a Canadian supermodel from Canada and people were jealous. They used to give me a hard time about it. It didn’t help when she signed a deal with a wallet company so everybody had a picture of her just like the one she sent me. I worry that this scandal and John Ensign’s affair may be distracting from our pro-marriage message.
Leave me alone-Stop it! Just stop doggin’ me around. Just stop doggin’ me
Michelle Bachman’s opposition to the census is a courageous stand. I have never believed in censuses. Afterall, baby Jesus would have had a proper bed to be born in if Mary and Joseph didn’t have to go to Bethlehem for a census. Besides, we all know that math has a liberal bias and that once the numbers are counted it will hurt the Republicans. I prefer relying on my faith in God to tell me how many people live in this country and not some Washington bureaucrat.
They told him don’t you ever come around here. Don’t want to see your face you better disappear. The fire’s in their eyes and their words are really clear so beat it.
When Hugo Chavez tried to claim that the United States instigated the coup in Honduras, he ran right up against President Obama condemning that same coup. It caused a Venezuelan opposition party to label him “The George Bush of Latin America”. I’m assuming that by that they mean an upright man of faith and strong personal convictions who rules the country to economic prosperity and world dominance. Sorry, that doesn’t sound like Chavez at all.
And no message could have been any clearer if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself then make a change.
This last story reaffirms my faith in God. When Joe the Plumber was asked about potentially running for office he said, “You know I talked to God about it and he was like “no”. If there was ever proof needed that God was looking out for us here on Earth, I think that’s it.
I’m Back…And I’m Angry
As usual, the convention was amazing.
I just returned from what should have been one of the greatest week’s of my life. Very few people are lucky enough to attend the Great Lakes Regional Public Storage Expo and Convention, which in my mind is the Super Bowl of self-storage conventions. They are doing amazing things with corrugated cardboard and I don’t mind telling you that within 5 years, it will revolutionize the way we pack things. My song parody “The Locks I Love” (sung to The Look of Love) was a huge hit and even bigger than last year’s Baby Got Box. I did quite well at self-storage pictionary too. The father of modern storage facility management Martin Loviglio not only talked with me, but recognized me. I even got to see the United States beat Brazil 2-0 in some soccer tournament at the hotel bar between conferences.
Then I came back. I discovered that my good name had been run through the dirt at a variety of websites simply because I dared to use my first amendment rights to question whether Obama had murdered South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Well my friends, I’m rested, invigorated and ready to take on such liberal bastions as Intershame , Wordsmoker, and Balloon-Juice as well as a myriad of forums and message boards. Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I was probably wrong about Obama murdering Sanford, but as I’ve said before, politicians have a responsibility to avoid not just impropriety, but the appearance of impropriety. Obama deserves just as much of the blame as I do because it was his behavior that enabled me to mistakenly accuse him of murder. Obama may not have murdered the governor of South Carolina, but there are 49 other states and for their sakes, we need to remain ever vigilant.
Obama Cleared in Sanford Murder
It appears that Mark Sanford was alive and well. He was simply talking to the Russian government about seceding from the United States. While I am obviously no fan of Obama’s it is a load off my mind to know that he has not killed Governor Sanford. I guess we won’t know until Sanford returns to South Carolina, but the above link seems pretty legit. They even used me as a source.
I will be out of town for the rest of this week and the weekend. For those of you unaware, this is the week of the big Great Lakes Regional Public Storage Expo and Convention. This is basically, the Super Bowl of self-storage conventions. Supposedly, Martin Loviglio will be there. Martin is basically the father of the modern self-storage business and designed many of the box shapes and sizes that are still used in the industry today. I met him back in 1996 and it was a highlight. He had so many self-storage stories, I could have talked to him all night. Some people prefer the big SSA trade show in Vegas, but for me you can’t beat the GLRPSEC.
Recently, one of our most loyal readers, Lola successfully defended her PHD in English Literature (Yay Lola!!). As you know, I recently received an honorary associates degree from Sawyer College in General Studies and I have not defended it. I feel that boxing champions and people with advanced degrees should defend. I will answer Lola’s 15 topics as my defense. I will defend it against all comers when I return. Until I talk to you all again next week, let us not say goodbye, but as we say in the self-storage game, “Be Back in 5 Minutes”
Update: No sooner do I start packing for my trip, than our own Congressman Jack Kimble (R-CA) gets a nice writeup on the amazing Political Carnival blog. He hasn’t been on Twitter very long, but I told him he’d get fans if he joined.
