That’s Right Nate

As usual, the convention was amazing.

I just returned from what should have been one of the greatest week’s of my life.   Very few people are lucky enough to attend the Great Lakes Regional Public Storage Expo and Convention, which in my mind is the Super Bowl of self-storage conventions.   They are doing amazing things with corrugated cardboard and I don’t mind telling you that within 5 years, it will revolutionize the way we pack things.  My song parody “The Locks I Love” (sung to The Look of Love) was a huge hit and even bigger than last year’s Baby Got Box.  I did quite well at self-storage pictionary too.  The father of modern storage facility management Martin Loviglio not only talked with me, but recognized me.   I even got to see the United States beat Brazil 2-0 in some soccer tournament at the hotel bar between conferences.

Then I came back.  I discovered that my good name had been run through the dirt at a variety of websites simply because I dared to use my first amendment rights to question whether Obama had murdered South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.   Well my friends, I’m rested, invigorated and ready to take on such liberal bastions as Intershame , Wordsmoker, and Balloon-Juice as well as a myriad of forums and message boards.   Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I was probably wrong about Obama murdering Sanford, but as I’ve said before, politicians have a responsibility to avoid not just impropriety, but the appearance of impropriety.  Obama deserves just as much of the blame as I do because it was his behavior that enabled me to mistakenly accuse him of murder.  Obama may not have murdered the governor of South Carolina, but there are 49 other states and for their sakes, we need to remain ever vigilant.

It appears that Mark Sanford was alive and well. He was simply talking to the Russian government about seceding from the United States. While I am obviously no fan of Obama’s it is a load off my mind to know that he has not killed Governor Sanford. I guess we won’t know until Sanford returns to South Carolina, but the above link seems pretty legit. They even used me as a source.

I will be out of town for the rest of this week and the weekend. For those of you unaware, this is the week of the big Great Lakes Regional Public Storage Expo and Convention. This is basically, the Super Bowl of self-storage conventions. Supposedly, Martin Loviglio will be there. Martin is basically the father of the modern self-storage business and designed many of the box shapes and sizes that are still used in the industry today. I met him back in 1996 and it was a highlight. He had so many self-storage stories, I could have talked to him all night. Some people prefer the big SSA trade show in Vegas, but for me you can’t beat the GLRPSEC.

Recently, one of our most loyal readers, Lola successfully defended her PHD in English Literature (Yay Lola!!). As you know, I recently received an honorary associates degree from Sawyer College in General Studies and I have not defended it. I feel that boxing champions and people with advanced degrees should defend. I will answer Lola’s 15 topics as my defense. I will defend it against all comers when I return. Until I talk to you all again next week, let us not say goodbye, but as we say in the self-storage game, “Be Back in 5 Minutes”

Update: No sooner do I start packing for my trip, than our own Congressman Jack Kimble (R-CA) gets a nice writeup on the amazing Political Carnival blog.   He hasn’t been on Twitter very long, but I told him he’d get fans if he joined.

Unfortunately, Youtube kills the audio and I can’t figure out how to put Vimeo.com videos on the blog. Here’s a link to the video I made this morning while following the latest news from Iran. It’s probably the most serious thing you’ll see on this blog.

In a chilling story that seems more at home on a television police drama than in a conservative political blog, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has gone missing.   The South Carolina Governor emerged as an early and outspoken opponent of President Barrack Hussein Obama’s stimulus funding and even refused to take federal money.  The Republican Governor was last seen on Thursday when he was sighted in a South Carolina Law Enforcement Vehicle.  His wife has no idea where he is.

There is no doubt that Sanford’s opposition to Obama’s stimulus plan made him a very powerful enemy with a powerful motivation to silence him.   While, I won’t accuse the President of foul play myself, I certainly hope that state and federal law enforcement officials are building a case already.   Concern can be felt throughout South Carolina where Sanford was seen as a potential future Presidential candidate himself.   Concerned South Carolinians have started the Twitter Channels #wheressanford and #marksanford.  Even the Democrats have started to worry.   State Senate Minority Leader John Land said in a statement. “We’re praying for him and his family. I hope he is safe and that he contacts the First Lady and his family soon.”

Obama apologists have claimed the Sanford simply needed some time away from his kids, but it makes little sense that a conservative that has run on a family values platform would disappear on his wife and kids for 4 days including Father’s Day weekend with no way for them to contact him.  He had important state business to take care of  yet neither the governor’s office nor the State Law Enforcement Division, which provides security for governors, had been able to reach him  said Sen. Jake Knotts and three others familiar with the situation but declined to be identified.

The easiest way for us to solve this case is to find Mark Sanford or his decomposing body as quickly as possible.  Failing that, we must begin to put the pieces together.   Were their any suspicious motorcades seen around the Governor’s residence?  Obama smokes and cigarette butts are often a very valuable way of using DNA testing to tie the perpetrator to the crime scene.   I am sure that regardless of your political views, you will agree that murdering a sitting governor is a very serious crime and one that Obama should be punished for if he is found guilty.

Update:Hilary Clinton has also been out of the limelight since her supposed arm injury. Since Hilary has already been implicated in the David Foster murder and the first killing of Gandy Baugh, I would suggest that South Carolina authorities be on the look out for her. Also, if witnesses or suspects talk about a one armed woman, do not just brush them off.

Today, Obama got a bit more forceful about Iran saying, “We call on the Iranian government to stop all violent and unjust actions against its own people.”  Unfortunately, he uses large words and by the time it gets translated into Farsi, it’s going to read as having the same impact as telling a waiter that you ordered your steak medium and he gave you medium.  The key to being forceful is to to call Iran evil.   For 8 years it worked quite well for George Bush and that’s why Republicans like myself are so disappointed to see Obama do away with the Bush strategy.

The key to being successful when dealing with Iran is to use strong language–exactly what Obama is avoiding.   Another technique is to threaten.   Obama refuses to do this because he doesn’t reallize that you don’t actually have to carry through on a threat for it to be effective.  Tell Iran that if another protester is so much as touched, we will be dropping a nuclear bomb in the center of Tehran.  We don’t actually need to do this, but that kind of rhetoric will get the Iranians to quickly cave.   Threaten them that we will send a massive army to conquer the country.  It doesn’t matter that we don’t have troops to spare.

I learned these lessons from my father.   One of the best parts of growing up was when my sister and I would get in trouble.   My dad would always tell us he was going to kick us out of the house or that he wouldn’t let mom give us food anymore.   The threats would get larger and larger and so totally preposterous that even at 7 I didn’t believe them.  I knew the odds of putting all my toys on a rocket ship and shooting them off into space was well beyond my father’s capabilities.  Still, the threats were great.   Eventually my sister and I would look forward into getting into trouble just so we could hear what threat my dad came up with next.   We used to love telling our friends about them.   This is exactly the approach that we Republicans want Obama to take with Iran.  Let’s make this a Happy Father’s Day in Iran by letting some good threats fly.

T-Shirts like these are available at the Candies' Bristol Palin Abstinence Tour

I am really excited that Bristol Palin is doing an abstinence tour this summer.  I don’t think there is a better way to get the message across to young children that God doesn’t approve of sinful sexual behavior than by holding up her crying baby and proudly proclaiming to the audience that this could happen to you.  Best of all, its sponsored by Candies who you know will do an amazing job since they have experience promoting rock shows like Britney Spears’ current amazing Circus tour.  In fact, Britney and Bristol seem to be the new face of candies.  Together, they give girls the message that not having sex doesn’t mean not having any fun–afterall you can go pretty far without intercourse.

There has been some controversy after Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol’s child, called abstinence unrealistic and implied that the reason that Bristol got pregnant was that they never used birth control.  That’s possible, but that is certainly not the message we need to be teaching to our children today.

I feel relatively sure that my 13 year old daughter Emily will not be sexually active until she’s at least out of college and possibly longer.   I didn’t have to sit down and have a long talk with her or anything.  One day as we were leaving the self-storage facility I turned to her from nowhere and blurted out in my deepest most serious voice, “Emily, all I have to say is good girls don’t and bad girls do”.  She looked at me with a puzzled expression and asked,  “What do you mean?” and I replied “Exactly what I said”.  She nodded and I could tell we had a moment that will stick with her for the rest of her life.  It makes me feel better just to know that we’ve had the talk.

Now some people will tell you that Bristol Palin as an unwed teen mother makes no sense to be preaching practicine abstinence.   Practicing abstinence is something that girls need to do for their teen lives and the more you practice it, the better you get.  I’m sure that Bristol can be exactly the role model that kids need.  In fact, I have been thinking that Emily could do something similar on a local level.   Emily is chubby in fact at 5’7″ and 125 pounds, she’s really kind of a porker.  I have been wondering if we could get a local restaurant like a McDonalds or Subway to get her to go around and teach kids about healthy eating.   Just as Bristol’s child provides a lesson that words alone could not, my daughter’s weight problem could do the same thing.   This is definitely something to look into for summer.  In the meantime, you go Bristol!  You’re sexy enough to make the boys wait.

The Grand Old Party has fans all over the planet, not only in the United States.  It seems that the current fight for freedom in Iran was inspired by none other than Pete Hoekstra, John and the Republicans in the House of Representatives last year.   As Hoekstra said today via twitter, “Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.”

This was backed up by Texas’s own John Culberson who said, “Good to see Iranian people move mountains w social media, shining sunlight on their repressive govt – Texans support their bid for freedom.”  He then added, “Oppressed minorities includeHouseRepubs: We are using social media to expose repression such as last night’s D clampdown shutting off amends.”

It is amazing to see our plight as a minority party has not been lost on the people of Iran who undoubtedly took inspiration from the Republican attempt to overthrow the opression of Nancy Pelosi.  I took heart to see the way that twitter users immediately came to their aid including many who changed the location on their profiles to Washington DC and their time zone to Eastern in order to confuse Democrats who were trying to use twitter to track down Republican sources of information.  To our brothers in Iran who continue to fight the tyrany of Islam, I wish you good luck in your revolution.   I can assure you that Christianity is worth it as is Democracy.

John Ensign, David Vitter, and myself relaxing after a long day of work

[I was very lucky to receive an email today from Congressman Jack Kimble (R-CA) who wished to write a guest column in my blog about the situation with Nevada Senator John Ensign.   I was happy to oblige.  If you haven't been paying attention, today Ensign admitted to an affair with one of his staff.   Her husband also worked for Ensign and when he tried to blackmail him, Ensign went public with the affair.]

John Ensign has been a giant of the Senate.   He has always stood for family values and conservative principles.  When Clinton put this country through the shame of Monica-gate, Ensign was one of the loudest voices for impeachment calling it “an embarrassing moment for the country” and stating the Clinton had no credibility left.  In more recent years he came out forcefully against gay marriage saying, “I believe that marriage should be defined as that between one man and one woman. You want to do what is ideal for children and all of the studies show that the ideal for children is to be in a household with a father and a mother.”

In short, John is exactly the kind of guy that we want in the Senate.  He’s a family man and he obviously has a strong sense of morals.  Unfortunately, the pressures that a congressman faces are huge.  It begins when we’re freshmen, you see all these attractive young women who want jobs as staffers and they’re on you the moment you step off the plane–tossing you their keys or underwear and asking you if you have a place to stay or giving you a ride to the capitol.   Let’s face it, in Washington DC we are the rock stars.

Then there are the parties.   I remember after drinking hard all night at Dennis Hastert’s,  they locked myself and Judy Biggert in a closet for 10 minutes.   Judy and I managed to keep our clothes on, but we still made sure to give them a good show when they finally opened the door.  That kind of stuff was happening all the time.  I still remember when Paul Ryan showed John and I the Double Kissinger–Wow!  My wife Margaret wouldn’t even let me do that in our bedroom.

Anyway, if we’re the rock stars in Washington DC, as a representative I’m like one of the Temptations.  As a senator John Ensign is like Huey Lewis.   If you stay in Washington long enough its going to make it tough to avoid temptation.    I hope the American people realize that the way to judge a congressman’s morals is through his speeches and the positions he takes on the issues and not what he does in his private life.   John you’re a good buddy and I know you’ll pull through this OK.

Today David Letterman officially apologized to Sarah Palin for the tasteless joke he made about her family.  The problem wasn’t that he was tasteless–we forgive tasteless comics all the time.   No, Letterman committed the ultimate sin for a comedian by not being funny.   I’m happy to be having a grand old time in the Grand Old Party where we have the quickest wits in the country to continually crack us up.

Take Michelle Malkin.   Most people, would find joking about the 9/11 terrorist attacks distasteful.  In fact Michelle tore into comedian Wanda Sykes for comparing Rush Limbaugh to the hijackers.   However, even terrorist attacks that kill thousands of Americans can be side splittingly funny to somebody with her gifted comedic touch.   Last Thursday, she ran a hysterical cartoon of one of the planes about to hit the World Trade Center.   I guess technically she got the cartoon from The People’s Cube originally, but you have to admit the woman knows comedy.   Reacting to a report, that terrorists would be read their Miranda rights under Obama as they were under Bush, the cartoon has photoshopped a word balloon onto the 9/11 plane to say, “Mohammed, shouldn’t we read them their miranda rights first? Just kidding man.”  I think I almost peed my pants when I saw it.

I can’t teach Letterman a sense of humor, but former Republican Senatorial Candidate Rusty DePass probably could.  He posted on Facebook this weekend about the escape of a Gorilla, by telling people, “I’m sure it’s just one of Michelle’s ancestors — probably harmless.”   Obviously, comparing the First Lady to an escaped gorilla is comedy gold.

A hysterical email was sent out by a legislative staffer for Tennessee GOP state senator Diane Black.  The staffer, Sherri Goforth, e-mailed this composite picture of the country’s 44 presidents, which represents President Obama with only a set of eyes.   I posted the picture above.   It just goes to show you that even Republican chicks have a great sense of humor.

Of course the king of Republican comedians is Rush Limbaugh.   Perhaps, if Letterman would listen to Rush, he’d get a clue about what America finds funny.  Until he gets that figured out, his apology is beside the point.   This reminds me of the last words of my grandfather who said, “A truck…”