That’s Right Nate

When I was in church a couple Sundays ago, I was aghast at the left wing filth that the minister was spouting off.   I called him on it after services and he looked at me and just kind of shrugged his shoulders saying, “Well, it’s the Bible Nate, not much I can do about the word of God.”  Fortunately, the good people at Conservapedia are under no such compunction.   They have embarked on The Conservative Bible Project, which is designed to give us a more conservative Bible.

If you’re not familiar with Conservapedia, it is a heroic bunch of conservatives who recognized that many facts, by their nature have a liberal bias.   To counteract this bias they formed a conservative alternative to Wikipedia.   Now, they’re taking on the Bible and frankly it’s about time.  For example, their web page lists Luke 23:34 as a liberal corruption–Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Frankly, the Jesus in the current Bible version is a wimp.   I mean sure he’s got all sorts of cool superpowers like walking on water and turning water into wine, but mostly he just goes around curing people.  If this was a comic book, Jesus would hardly be Justice League material.  He’d probably find himself in the Doom Patrol or Guardians of the Galaxy with a bunch of other also rans.   The Conservative Jesus, has a lot more potential.  Check out his run in with the money changers at the temple:

¹²And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

¹³And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.

Now, see how conservative Jesus deals with the same problem:

¹²And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that protested in the temple and overthrew the tables of the trade unionists, and the seats of them that sold doves,

¹³And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of socialists.

The difference is certainly subtle, but now we have a Jesus that sticks up for capitalism, not just a savior, but a kick butt take no nonsense conservative.   Remember Matthew 5: 38 -44 where Jesus preaches to turn the other check–Not anymore.

5:38

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ ^F23

5:39

But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.

5:40

If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.

5:41

And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.

5:42

Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.

5:43

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor ^F24 and hate your enemy.’

5:44

But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,

Now, here is the Conservative Bible version.  The differences are subtly, but even these changes seem to make the Bible stories come alive for me:

5:38

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ ^F23

5:39

But I tell you if he pulls a knife, you pull a gun.  If he shall send one of yours to the hospital, then shall ye send one of his to the morgue.

5:40

If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, tie him up in litigation for so long that it is cheaper to just by his own cloak.

5:41

And whoever compels you to go one mile, make sure that he pays you.

5:42

Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. Instead loan to him with reasonable usury.  Then bundle his debt with the debt of others so that a derivative shall be made.

5:43

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor ^F24 and hate your enemy.’

5:44

That seems like pretty good advice to me.

Wow!  That’s a Jesus that I can respect and one that nobody is going to be taking advantage of either.  Just look how Jesus’ resurrection is handled in John 20: 26-29:

²⁶And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

²⁷Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

²⁸And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God.

²⁹Jesus saith unto him, I am back Thomas and thou hast seen me, know that this time it is personal.   I am getting the disciples back together.  It is time we taught Pilate a lesson

I can’t wait for the release of this version of the Bible.   I hope that it isn’t only Jesus who is changed, but other Biblical figures as well.   Just the thought of Joshua proclaiming loudly for all to hear, “Mister Jericho, tear down this wall” gives me shivers.   The only way we can eliminate liberal bias from such important things as the word of God is to rewrite it.  I’m glad to have the good folks at Conservapedia to do it for me.