That’s Right Nate

I really haven’t been able to figure out how to react to the news that Chicago lost the Olympics.   At first, I was a big proponent of bringing the Olympics to Chicago because I am a big believer in the Olympic spirit of kicking the crap out of the rest of the world to prove that your country is supreme.  I also hoped that it would start a landslide of gentrification through Chicago with the police finally crapping down on homeless vagrants in the poorer parts of the city.  I knew that the city would probably be about $5 billion in debt when the dust cleared, but I’d get to see beach volleyball players up close.

However, as soon as President Obama began to publicly support the Olympics my attitude changed.  I know for one that that anytime Barrack Hussein Obama is involved with an international group like the IOC, it is because he is working on creating a new world order or alternatively apologizing for American domination.  I also don’t see how we really lose out as a city by not getting to see the greatest ping pong players in all of Finland or the greatest cyclists in all of Bulgaria.   Let’s face it what America does best is self-storage and it is unlikely we would really be able to put our prowess on display at the Olympic games.

Now, that we lost to Rio I am outraged.   Didn’t we launch a coup in Brazil and put a puppet government in place in the 50s?   What kind of puppet government is this?   If we had thought Brazil was a real threat we should have let them know that we didn’t approve of them competing with us.   The obvious answer to this slight is for Chicago to hold their old Olympics in 2016 and give athletes a choice to go to either games.  The Olympics give out medals, but we could give out cold hard cash.   Let’s put capitalism to work for us and let the world cry out “U-S-A! U-S-A!”

It was good to have today off because it gave me a chance to get working on my newest novel.  It s a piece of historical fiction, which you can believe I have copyrighted.  I like it because it shows an American overcoming long odds, there’s international espionage, war, and sports–kind of like Victory.  In 1935, the Nazis worried about being embarrassed at the Berlin Olympics the next year kidnap Jesse Owens.   It looks like they will be unstoppable in track and field until a crippled President and a discredited ex-President from the other party team up to take it to Hitler.   He was born to lead, but he was taught to run.   They call him President Lightning.   Here’s an excerpt.

[INT - THE OVAL OFFICE]

FDR is in his power blue track suit sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office.   He is smoking a cigarette and he looks sullen.   Herbert Hoover is standing in front of the desk in a brown suit.  He holds a clipboard and a stop watch.   Beads of perspiration run down Roosevelt’s forehead and sweat stains mar the otherwise pristine look of Roosevelt’s track suit.  There is an uncomfortably long pause as Hoover looks like he is about to say something, but thinks better of it.

FDR: [Flicking a cigarette ash] This is insane Herbert. I’m barely out of my wheelchair.  I can’t win a race.  Somebody else will have to run.

HOOVER: Dammit Franklin! Why can’t you pick yourself up by your own boot straps.   That’s what Theodore would have done.

FDR: Damn you Hoover! I’m not him.   The other Roosevelt had two good legs.  All I’ve got is a big social program which has prolonged the Great Depression and a very unattractive wife who is even more liberal than I am.

HOOVER: If you think that’s all you’ve got Franklin, then you’ve lost already.

FDR: What do you know about it anyway?  You’re not even a real track coach.

HOOVER: [Snatches the cigarette out of FDR's mouth] Spit that thing out.   Those Germans are fast and I’m not training you so I can look foolish!  Look, I may not be a real track coach, but I am a real American and what I know is that an American is never licked as long is he’s got a breath in his body and a fight in his heart.   You think you’ve got it tough Mr. President, well I’ve got news for you.   Thanks to all your big government spending a whole lot of people have it tougher than you do.   If I hadn’t organized all those Hoover-villes they wouldn’t have anywhere to go.   You think you’ve got it tough?  Try raising a family of 8 when you’re factory just closed down.

FDR: [Angrily] I’m trying to everything I can.

HOOVER: Trying isn’t good enough Mister President.   What are you going to do?

FDR: I don’t know

HOOVER: I said what are you going to do?

FDR [Getting out of wheel chair] I’m going to run Hitler’s socks off.

WHITE HOUSE MAID: [She is a rather rotund black woman who has been secretly listenning in on the two men's conversation] Lordy Mister President, I had hoped you’d say that.   I don’t like that Mister Hitler none anyway.   You go run circles around them Nazis.   Jesse Owens was running for my people Mister President, the way I figure it you’re running for all of us too now.

FDR: I intend to Dorothy.   Now why don’t you fix me some of them biscuits you make.   All this training’s going to make me mighty hungry

[Here we have a training montage as FDR goes from being unsteady on his feet to being a world class athelete thanks to his hard work.   Show Hoover looking displeased at first, but gradually lightening up as FDR improves.   This montage not only shows FDR's ability improving, but a bond developing between the two men.   This montage is an excellent spot for an uplifting rock song.]

A time line of the events of the recent clash between Russia and Georgia reveals that Bush and McCain work as a well oiled tag team and as a country we can look forward to a smooth transition between the two Presidents.

August 4th: Bush goes to China to watch the Olympics.  He charms Chinese by joking “How do they fit all the horses in the pool for the water polo match?”  They laugh and with timing like Carson Bush follows up with, “What’s so funny?”

August 8th – Georgia sends troops into two breakaway province of South Ossetia and begins shelling capital hours after a cease fire with separatists is announced.

August 8th – Bush averts controversy by being totally mesmerized by the fireworks at the opening ceremony and failing to notice that the 9 year old singer was actually lip syncing because the actual 7 year old singer had to be replaced when a party official noticed she wasn’t a particularly cute child.  “It was for the national interest,” said Chen Qigang the musical director. “The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings and expression.”

August 8th – Russia sends troops into South Ossetia to defend Russian citizens.  They carry this defense further by attempting to bomb the oil pipeline through Georgia.

August 9th – McCain researches Georgia on the internets.  Despite people putting down McCain’s technical acumen, he gets a fairly thorough synopsis of history and relevant issues from Wikipedia.

August 10th – Bush Cheers on Michael Phelps and inspires him to a gold medal and new world record in the 400 meter medley.  Phelps later calls seeing the President cheering him on a “very emotional moment.”

August 11th – Using the research he had done on Wikipedia, John McCain gives a riveting and forceful book report/ speech on the Georgia conflict threatening Russia and calling for a ceasefire.

August 12th – Cowed by McCain’s speech the Russians back down and declare a ceasefire with Georgia.

I’m old enough to remember the 1980 Winter Olympics when an upstart US hockey team lifted the hopes of a nation by crushing the Soviets and I also remember the 1992 Summer Olympics when the NBA enlisted the help of the Dream Team to prove who the greatest basketball playing country in the word was.

The Olympics has always been above crass comercialism and politics.  Nothing is a purer symbol of this ideal than the Olympic torch relay which has been a part of the Olympics since the 1936 Olympics in Berlin.

This year’s torch relay has been continuously harrassed by angry mobs. Those people protesting the Olympic torch need to know that they’re being foolish.  They’re not hurting the Chinese, but they’re hurting all of us who aspire to the Olympic ideal and the atheletes who embody it.  Sure China has some problems, but this is not the way to show your disapproval.