That’s Right Nate

Hello and welcome to the future.   I am making my annual set of predictions for the new year.   It is really easy for people to scoff at things to come, but remember people ignored my prediction last year that Tiger Woods would get caught cheating on his wife with 11 different women.  Now without further adieu, here are the predictions:

• Tim Tebow’s NFL draft stock will take a huge hit at the scouting combine when he is inexplicably raptured up to Heaven.
• While politicians and world leaders are worried about a variety of crises, it will be a celebrity scandal that has the country strangely glued to their television sets.
• An entrepreneur will come along with a great idea to save public education while simultaneously making himself a great deal of money.
• A major scandal will befall Chicago’s Daley administration, but the mayor will be exonerated when it turns out that it was a rogue underling who was responsible as in previous Chicago political scandals.
• Tensions will escalate in the Middle East
• A new hip hop hit will reach number one on the charts because of an attractive singer and a good beat, despite unintelligible lyrics.
• Tea party activists will make up with enthusiasm for what they lack in spelling.
• Despite the republic already being destroyed by the Senate vote on health care, it will be destroyed another two dozen times this year.
• Charter Schools will demonstrate that you get better teachers when you lower their pay, worsen their working conditions, and increase their hours.  Meanwhile, the same people funding these charters will be aghast at efforts to curb their bonuses at $500 million per year.
• A Hollywood actress will generate a lot of buzz when she makes herself appear uglier for a part.
• The recession will finally end when the American public discovers they can make a large amount of money in their free time by raising chinchillas.
• Dick Cheney will have a major disagreement with something the Obama administration does this year.
• New technology will make it easier for us to stay connected with the people in our lives despite having less and less to tell these people creating a new market for people who are able to text interesting things.
• Impressed with the financial success of giving Jay Leno the 10:00 hour weekdays, NBC experiments will putting infomercials from 9:00 to 10:00 and reruns of the Andy Griffith Show from 8:00 – 9:00.   Their ratings continue to drop from the 9PM to 10PM hours.
• Two words – Monkey Butlers.

You can be sure if any of these predictions come true, I’ll be back at the beginning of 2011 to rub it in.

Actor In a Leading Role

• Richard Jenkins – The Visitor (movie about Illegal Immigration – Nope)
• Sean Penn – Milk (Loses just for deceptive title which tricked me into going to see it – Nope)
• Frank Langella – Frost/ Nixon (about time Nixon gets some respect)
• Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (He ages backwards?  I aged watching this movie)
• Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler (Can’t beat pro wrestling for excitement)

Winner: Frank Langella

Actor in a Supporting Role

• Josh Brolin – Milk (Actually, just because he played Bush he gets support here)
• Robert Downey – Tropic Thunder (Finally a war movie gets recognized)
• Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt (Papist)
• Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight (Played the John McCain type in this liberal propaganda)
• Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road (He plays a guy in a mental institution.  The Academy always recognizes this)

Winner: Micahel Shannon

Actress in Leading Role

• Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married (I don’t like the pro-drug message of this film)
• Angelina Jolie – Changeling (I don’t like the anti-police message of this film)
• Melissa Leo – Frozen River (I don’t like the global warming message of this title)
• Meryl Streep – Doubt (I don’t like the Papist message of this film)
• Kate Winslet – The Reader (I hate reading almost as much as I hate Nazis)

Winner: Kate Winslet

Actress in a Supporting Role

• Amy Adams – Doubt (Papist)
• Penelope Cruz – Vickie Cristina Barcelona (Too foreign)
• Viola Davis – Doubt (Papist)
• Taraji P. Henson – Curious Case of Private Benjamin (Still don’t get this aging backwards thing)
• Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler (Loved her in My Cousin Vinnie)

Winner: Marisa Tomei

Best Song

• Down to Earth – Wall E (I’m assuming that a liberal propoganda movie like this probably got Randy Newman)
• Jai Ho – Slumdog Millionare (What’s a Jai Ho?)
• O Sava – Slumdog Millionare (Doesn’t anybody talk English anymore)

Winner: Ballad of the Green Berets

Best Picture

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Bratt  (ZZZZZZ)
• Frost/Nixon – (Finally a movie showing how Nixon stood up to David Frost’s tough questioning)
• Milk – (I am not seeing another movie named after a beverage again without seeing the trailer first)
• The Reader – (Who wants to see a movie about reading?  I go to the movies so I don’t have to read)
• Slumdog Millionare – (A pro-capitalism movie shows that anybody can pull themselves up out of the slums)

Winner: Slumdog Millionare

President Bush would have been an excellent football player

This year’s Super Bowl features two really disappointing teams. Last year we had a team with an American name like the Patriots and an imposing name like the Giants. This year we have one team whose mascot needs protect from a massive labor union and another team whose mascot needs protection from PETA. I have a very scientific method for predicting Super Bowl games and deciding who to root for. This involves two charts. One of the charts uses the team’s city and the other one uses the team’s mascot to determine the better team.

Cities

1. Houston – You don’t get much more of a red city than Houston
2. Dallas – Republican city with a team that believes in capitalism
3. Jacksonville -The best part of Florida
4. Tennessee – Didn’t even vote for Gore in 2000
5. Miami – Cuban community is solidly Republican
6. Arizona – Home of John McCain
7. Carolina – I’m still mad at them for Libby Dole or it’d be higher
8. Chicago – Democrat city, but Daley, Duncan, and I make up for it
9. Buffalo – The good part of New York
10. Cincinnati – In honor of the fine Taft family
11. Cleveland – Not a big fan of the city, but better than what’s after it
12. San Diego – Large military bases give city an edge
13. Atlanta – Another solidly red state, but a blue city
14. St. Louis – Supported McCain and Bush
15. Tampa Bay – Most liberal part of Florida
16. Washington – For every Obama living here there’s a David Vitter
17. Philadelphia – Big points for birthplace of Declaration of Independence – Take that Britain!
18. Green Bay – They love their guns
19. Minnesota – Good Lutheran folk would be higher if they had come out for Coleman
20. Pittsburgh – Union city, blech.
21. Denver – Liberal bastion in red state
22. Baltimore – Another liberal city in a good state
23. Kansas City – Run by liberal machine for many years
24. Oakland – At least it isn’t San Francisco
25. Indianapolis – Only blue part of red state
26. Seattle – Coffee sipping liberals
27. New York – This is for both the Giants and Jets
28. Detroit – Union city for people without jobs
29. New Orleans – Ungrateful city ignored all that W. did for them.
30. San Francisco – Next time you name a movie milk, you might want to mention that it has nothing to do with dairy products.
31. New England – Massachusetts liberals

Mascots
1. Patriots – Today, we are all patriots
2. Texans – They built this country or at least their 2% of it.
3. Bills – Named after a man who helped wipe out a whole species. Make no mistake about it, if they could have the buffalo would have wiped us out.
4. Cowboys – They won the West for us
5. Chargers – Original owners were a credit card company–go capitalism!
6. Eagles – A proud patriotic bird
7. Red Skins – You have to give them big points for not giving into PC pressure
8. 49ers – The 49ers bought lots of supplies after huge markup–another great capitalism symbol of trickle down economics
9. Vikings – A proud warrior race
10. Chiefs – Not as good as Red Skins, but still savage
11. Titans – They were the original gods. If they had beat Zeus back in the first Super Bowl they’d be ranked higher
12. Giants – Almost as impressive as Titans
13. Browns – Wow! And I thought the Red Skins had guts for being politically incorrect
14. Jets – The Jets showed the Sharks a things or two about illegal immigration back in the day
15. Bears – A ferocious predator
16. Lions – King of the jungle
17. Bengals – A fierce cat
18. Jaguars – Another fierce cat
19. Panthers – OK, enough with the fierce cats
20. Falcons – A predatory bird
21. Rams – A goat, but a tough goat
22. Raiders – A politically correct way of saying pirate
23. Buccaneers – Same as Raiders
24. Colts – Change the logo to a colt .45 and they soar up the rankings
25. Broncos – Cowboys road Broncos so they’re kind of cool
26. Ravens – A bird, wow
27. Seahawks – An even wimpier bird
28. Steelers – Union agitators
29. Packers – Even worse union agitators
30. Cardinals – Bird needing PETA protection
31. Dolphins – The animal that jacks up the price of tuna melts
32. Saints – Way too papist

Now, to get a point spread we simply add the team’s scores from the two charts. The Arizona Cardinals 6 (City) + 30 (Mascot) = 36. The Pittsburgh Steelers 20 (City) + 28 (Mascot) = 48. This leads us to our final winner Cardinals by 12. Let’s call the final score Arizona 26, Pittsburgh 14.

Today John McCain gave the most cogent explanation of why we should vote for him this November by explaining what the world will look like in 2013 after his first term as President.  A smiling 80 year old McCain will be “welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq War has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy”

However, that’s not McCain’s only triumph.  “The threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated. U.S. and NATO forces remain there to help finish the job, and continue operations against the remnants of al Qaeda. The Government of Pakistan has cooperated with the U.S. in successfully adapting the counterinsurgency tactics that worked so well in Iraq and Afghanistan to its lawless tribal areas where al Qaeda fighters are based. The increase in actionable intelligence that the counterinsurgency produced led to the capture or death of Osama bin Laden, and his chief lieutenants. There is no longer any place in the world al Qaeda can consider a safe haven. Increased cooperation between the United States and its allies in the concerted use of military, diplomatic, and economic power and reforms in the intelligence capabilities of the United States has disrupted terrorist networks and exposed plots around the world. There still has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since September 11, 2001. “

He predicts that “Concerted action by the great democracies of the world has persuaded a reluctant Russia and China to cooperate in pressuring Iran to abandon its nuclear ambitions, and North Korea to discontinue its own. The single greatest threat facing the West — the prospect of nuclear materials in the hands of terrorists — has been vastly diminished.” and

After efforts to pressure the Government in Sudan over Darfur failed again in the U.N. Security Council, the United States, acting in concert with a newly formed League of Democracies, applied stiff diplomatic and economic pressure that caused the government of Sudan to agree to a multinational peacekeeping force, with NATO countries providing logistical and air support, to stop the genocide that had made a mockery of the world’s repeated declaration that we would “never again” tolerant such inhumanity. Encouraged by the success, the League is now occupied with using the economic power and prestige of its member states to end other gross abuses of human rights such as the despicable crime of human trafficking.”

We will have a very robust economic growth and the Republican controlled congress will fall in line behind President McCain.  America will become an oil exporter after a huge cache of oil is found in the middle of Alaska.  The Muslims of this planet will accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and health care will cost the average American less than $17.50 per paycheck.  The Cubs will have won 3 straight World Series led by their new centerfielder a cat named Scratches. 

Illegal immigration will have stopped as we have convinced all Mexicans to work to build their own country.  Hip hop culture will be forever eliminated as big band becomes the music of the 2010s.  Obesity will be eliminated when Americans discover a chocolate substitute than when ingested will cause the average person to achieve their ideal weight within 3-4 weeks without dieting.

If this is the type of world you would like to live in, I don’t see how anybody cannot vote for McCain.  Obama has been too big a coward to even attempt to explain what the world in 2013 will look like if he’s President.  He doesn’t even have a League of Democracies.